The Singing Magpie

Dear Internet,
We need to talk. There are several points of our relationship that I would like to bring into the open.
To be frank, I think we need to take a break. Kind of like a Ross and Rachel break, where you cheat on me with other people, and then you cry out of regret because, as Ross, you are the biggest girly-man ever.
Do not get it wrong. You have done great things for me in the past. Most importantly, you helped tutor me while I got my college degree. That is not something I will quickly forget.
You also make me laugh. You have shown me the everlasting joy of LOLCats and other memes. You have bequeathed the photographic love of Awkward Family Photos, PostSecret and People of Walmart – a debt that I cannot soon repay.
You have given me an easy outlet to stalk everyone I know (and barely know, for that matter) and to display my painfully strategic and clever status updates to the masses on Facebook.
You have given a lot of yourself to me and I greatly appreciate that sacrifice. Most of all, you helped me cope when I lost my dear lover, cable.
However, you have taken so much more from me. You, Internet, have taken my freedom.
Somehow, I no longer have the time to read books. You know how much I love that. I do not have time to spend with my boyfriend or finish assignments for school. And I am almost always late to work because of you.
Sometimes, I do not even have time to bathe because you are so selfish with me.
How dare you monopolize my life like this! Sure you have kept me entertained, but you have kept me largely unfulfilled.
Day after day, when I finally got the strength to leave you, I only craved you more. What if I was missing vital status updates? What if the stock market was dropping again? What if CNN had posted a new poll about abortion, the death penalty or Kanye West?
I remember the days before you came into my life, those hours filled with the glory of books, conversation, regular eyesight and tangibility. And of a time when I easily lived without you.
Believe me, Internet, this is not an unfounded threat. I can live without you again.
I regret the hours that I wasted away in front of you. And shamefully breaking down to pay for you in airports or coffee shops. I regret those times that I thought I had lost you and your signal bars, only to feel truly lost myself.
We need a break. You need to think about changing your manipulative ways. I need to think about regaining my life.
No hard feelings, Internet, I still love you. I may even still need you in my life. I just need some time to assess our relationship.
I am going away for a week. You do not need to know where I am going – I will be safe where I am. But until next Friday, I do not want to see you.
I hope you understand.
It’s not me, it’s you.
Sincerely, Meghan.

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1 comments

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Fri Oct 16 2009 13:20

Please stop using the Parthenon as your platform to share you mundane life. It's annoying! Join twitter. That is a much better place for you uninteresting thoughts.

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